Life

My life experiences; the good, the bad and the ugly.

I Remember

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I remember Grandma DeKezel,

            her colostomy bag full and oozing.

I remember smiling and chattering

            and easing her discomfort

            of being dependent upon my hands.

I remember her talk of sex

            and the loathing she had when Grandpa

            would touch her – until she was 30.

I remember the smile sliding across her face

            the twinkle in her eyes

            as she yearned for Grandpa then.

            Sex was not a sin.

I remember her finger pointing at the cabinet

            “Take the white China with the yellow flowers.

             Count it all and be sure it’s there.”

And I remember nodding no,

            “Keep it until next time I am here.”

I remember the silent, arguing stares

           over disappearing treasures

           before she was laid to rest.

I remember the harsh words zinging overhead

            because her children didn’t finish unfinished words

            in the space of her ensuing death.

I remember the chasm created

            in the wake of her death.

I remember thinking

            “They lost the chance to know their mother

             in the grace of ensuing death.”

            “They lost the chance for her to speak unspoken words

              that could not be said.”

 

My memory will never forget

            knowing my grandma

Doing It Again

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So I am walking and talking to God this morning, and I realize it has been a long time since I have had a deep meaningful, give and take conversation with Him.  I apologize.  I ask for forgiveness.  He simply asks me, “Are you doing what I have asked you to do?”  There is no condemnation in the question.  There is no expectation that I will feel guilty.  There is no ‘attitude’.  It’s just a question for me to ponder.  But I say to Him, “No.”

It is then I realize that while I have given my last hold out, my health, over to Him, I have slipped.  Food has been and will always be an issue for me.  I see it, I want it, I have to have it … NOW.  It doesn’t matter if I am hungry or not.  And lately, I have fallen into the mind-trap of, “I just rode 22 miles this morning, I can have ______________ to eat.”  (Fill in the blank with any food you love, but shouldn’t have every day.)

Some of my favorite foods.

Because I am not taking time to be with my best friend, God, I am not focusing on what is really important in my life.  I am derailing myself.  So this morning, after my walk, before showering, or getting on the scale or eating breakfast, I am writing.  This is what God is calling me to do with my life.  I am no longer afraid of the ‘what ifs’.  That’s not the problem.  It is balancing being a graduate student,  being a mother, being a wife, a new career move, my health, and my faith.  Notice my faith is last.  That is where I have placed it, and yet it should be the first.  My time spent with God should be at the beginning.  Once I place God where He should be, everything else will fall into place.

I should know this by now.  I’m a mature Christian.  I’ve done this act before.  I am so glad that my Lord knows me and loves me so completely.  I am glad that I can sin, receive true forgiveness.  I am glad that while I don’t always learn from my mistakes, I can continue to move forward in my life, and God will always be there to guide me.

He’s waiting for you too.  Take some time today to listen for His word in your life.

Being Prepared

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Okay, so God is leading me.  I am following Him.  I am doing all that He is asking me to do.  But there is this time lapse thing I just don’t understand.  Well, I do, but it is frustrating.  Let me back up a little bit and bring you up to speed on what God has been and is doing in my life.

In December of 2011, I did a lot of deep praying/listening to God.  He made it very clear that I needed to write.  I needed to put my weight, my health, under His control.  So, being the good daughter that I am, I started to do both of those things.  And being human, I find myself under stress, no time to write, no time to exercise the way I need to, no time to pray deeply.  But I keep plugging away.  I keep trying.  I keep reading and talking to Him when I can.  But most importantly I listen to Him.  And I hear Him very clearly.  He is preparing me.

In the midst of all of this, I am finishing a masters degree in special education.  I chose special education because I was to afraid to apply to a prestegious university’s writing program.  I was afraid they would reject me even though God was telling me to “go for it”.  The degree in special education was the easy way out for me.  It was safe, close and at my alma mater.  There have been times I have thought about stopping, but I want to finish this degree.  I am a year out from completing this program.  I sat down and had a heart to heart talk with God.  The answer I received was something like this,  “You can finish this program, but you have to write.  I have something more for you to do.”

I am to write.  I am to speak.  And …. well, that’s just it.  I don’t know what the And is.  I do know that He is moving me in a way I cannot explain clearly.  This is not the same as before in my life.  I feel the moving in my spirit.  I feel the moving in my life.  I see it in the people I am being surrounded by, but I don’t know for what purpose.  Every other time in my life I knew the calling God had for my life.  And while I believe I am being prepared to be a writer and a speaker, I believe He is preparing me for something more.

And this is the cool thing.  I am unafraid.  I am patient.  I know it will happen.  I do not doubt God’s ability to radically change my life.  For the first time in my 44 years of life, I am ready to start and finish something God has planned for me.  I am being prepared.

Hands

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Her hands were bony and strong.  Not the hands of youth with its demand to have power and control.  No, her hands were strong from living life and a “hold onto me” strength.  Those hands held onto me through the entire benediction.  At the end there was that extra squeeze.  I give it too.  It’s the squeeze that says, “You belong.  You are part of this community, and God will be with you this week.”

Holding hands allows you the opportunity to say more than words can.  I had a very dear friend of mine stop me to thank me for praying for her.  She had approached me several weeks ago for prayer over some medical tests she was having done.  But in the midst of her thanking me to pray for her, she appologized for not asking me how I was doing.  I took her hands in mine and told her I understood.  I held her hands because I wanted her to know how much she meant to me.  I took her hands to reassure her that she did not need to apologize to me.  I took her hands in mine to let her know I loved her and it was my privilage to pray for her.

Holding hands with my 9 year old son allows me to tell him how much I love him.  He is at an age where he does not want his mother to kiss him or hug him in front of his friends.  Yet he will let me hold his hand while we walk together … even in front of his friends.  I treasue this time.  I treasue this hand holding because it is my way of telling him he belongs; he is part of me.

It is in our hands that we offer prayer and petition to God.  It is in our hands when we are able to heal or to hurt others.  Our hands express so much of what we cannot.  Christ used His hands to heal, to touch, to heal people.  I want to reach out to others in the same way.  Sometimes I am in situations where I cannot hold someone’s hand.  But I can touch them.  I can put my hand on their arm or shoulder.  I find myself doing this with my students.  It is in my touch that I convey to them that they belong.  They are worth more than what they think.  My students are worthy of a simple touch.

Hands speak so much.  They convey strength and love and hope and trust.  Just the act of holding onto someone else’s hand can inspire someone to be more and do more.  What are your hands going to say about you this week?

  Fog

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     I was on the bike path following the Mississippi River, and there was this thick fog hovering over the top of the Great Mississippi.  The fog’s tentacles reached out to the bike path trying to lure me into the river.  Fog is an amazing thing.  I’m on one side of it and can see clearly, right up to the fog.  I mean everything is crystal clear, but when I try to look into it or through it, I can’t see a thing.  I know that Iowa lays on the other side of this fog.  I’ve seen the banks of the Iowa side millions of times before this, but I have been separated, cut off.  It’s like looking into a white abyss.  I have to remember and believe what I know to be true, like knowing and believing in God.  You don’t always see Him, but He’s there.  He will never lead me down a wrong path or turn. 

     Sometimes when God talks with me, I have to remember that He is there.  He has not left me or abandoned me.  I just don’t always see the end result of what God calls me to do.  We talk, He listens, I listen, He moves me to do something, and all I see is the fog.  Sometimes I don’t know what’s on the other side of the fog either.  Not to long ago, this is what I wrote down in my quiet time with God:

               What defines you?  What dreams have I given you?  What passions have I placed deep within you, entertwined with the compossion of you?  I did not give you these passions for you to buy them. I gave come back to ask what have you done with these talents I have given you?  Do not bury you passion.  It is a GOD given gift.  My gift to you.  You are strong.  But you become weak when you block Me out of your life. 

               I love you for who you are right here and now.  But I want to be in your life all the time.  I don’t want to be a second thought.  I don’t want to be what you do last.  i want to be first.  Unburry your passion.  Unburry the gifts I have given you and trust Me.

              I’ve given you My Son to follow.  I’ve given you the Holy Spirit to guide you.  My power is available to you.  Follow Me – Pick up your gifts and follow me.  I’ll be where you are going.  I am in the beginning, the middle and end of your journey.  And I have another journey waiting and ready for you when you complete this one.  Will you follow Me?  Will you trust Me?  Will you let Me be your strength?  

 the other.  I just need to remember that He is the one who has placed these passions within me.  Oh, by the way, this conversation with God came about because I asked Him, “God, what do I need to hear from You?  What do I need to do to obey You?”  God is talking about me writing.  I had long ignored the fact He was calling me to write.  It is within me like the blood flowing through my veins. 

     I don’t like being on one side of the fog.  It is very frustrating for me to not be able to see the other side … the end result.  I’m not even sure of my own footing.  But what I do know is that God is there.  He is right with me, and if I stop worrying about all of the “what ifs”, “I can’t do that”, and “How’s that suppose to happen?”, I’ll find myself at the end of one faith journey.  God has great things in store for me, I just have to stop looking at the fog and look at God instead.

Thank You Lord Jesus for Your life and sacrifice for me. 

 

 

 

 

1/2 a Degree Off

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          When I went through Army basic training, I had to learn how to read a map and use a compass to navigate my way through the woods.  Needless to say, I was not good at this.  My sense of direction is always backwards.  And while I can read a road map, reading a topographical map is something entirely different.  I quickly learned that if I was even ½0 off, I would be miles from my targeted destination within no time.  I wasn’t a little lost … I was a lot lost. 

If it was just me, that would be fine, but I had a whole squad I was leading.  I led 7 other people off the right path.  A drill sergeant found us on the edge of the woods we were training and asked us if we knew what we were doing.  She asked who was in charge and I reluctantly admitted it had been my turn.  She took the compass and map from me and handed it over to another private.  She looked at the rest of my squad and clearly said, “Never let Blair lead you with the compass again.  If she is put in charge, help her fake it, otherwise you will all get lost again.  Blair, always make sure you are with someone who knows how to read a compass.”  Luckily this was just training, and luckily there were members of our squad who knew what to do to get us back on the right path and lead us to the next destination.  (Later I found out that I was one of the worst privates to try to use a compass.  I understood the concept on paper; I just couldn’t apply it.) 

It’s been a long time since I’ve written.  I’ve fallen off of the path – just a 1/20 and a few months later.  To me it doesn’t seem to be a big deal.  It isn’t like I stopped praying or going to church.  I’m not sinning in such a way that I would be led straight to hell.  No, I just have a bunch of excuses as to why I haven’t written.  I am too busy.  (Well, I am.  I’m a full time mom, work full time, full time wife, taking a grad class, very involved in my church.  You get the picture.)  There are more important things to do right now then write.  The only problem with this scenario is that God is calling me to write.  See, I have felt that maybe I shouldn’t be finishing my graduate class.  I am only three classes away from earning my masters degree in Special Education. 

When God called me to write, I talked to Him about finishing.  I want to finish my degree because this is the second masters I have started, and I want to finish it.  I feel like I need to finish it.  It is a need to complete a task I have started.  So when God called me to write, I spent time in prayer about my master’s degree.  The answer I received was very clear, “You can finish this degree so long as you write.”  I have not been writing faithfully.  And I believe this is why I have felt such angst about finishing my degree or quitting my degree to write.

  Now I am in a pickle.  I haven’t really written.  I mean, I have written in my prayer time.  I have jotted down ideas.  I have ideas percolating in my head, but the true writing that God is calling me to do, I haven’t done.  Why is it that I am so stubborn?  Why don’t I follow what God has called me to do?  I am always so blessed when I do what He wants me to do.  I am like the Israelites who made the golden calf when Moses was on Mount Sinai.  God told Moses in Exodus 33:3, “Go up to a land flowing with milk and honey; for I will not go up in your midst, lest I consume you on the way, for you are a stiff-necked people.”  I am the “stiff-necked” people.  While I do want to be in God’s presence, I don’t always want to do His will.  This makes no sense.  There is nothing He has done to cause me to be anxious or worried.

            Oh, wait a minute.  There is one tiny, little, itty-bitty thing that bothers me when I go to do whatever it is God wants me to do – I don’t know the outcome.  I don’t even get to know the path I am suppose to take.  It’s like those computer games that only allow you to see the room you are in and no more.  I don’t get to see beyond the next footstep.  Yet, God has never, ever taken me down a wrong path.  In fact, when I follow Him, I find myself being who I am really meant to be.  I am doing and being all I am created to do and be. 

            So here I am, back on the right path, for several reasons.  The first is that I really do want to finish my degree.  And God was very clear with me that I need to write while I work on my degree.  When I was considering going after a degree in writing, I found myself scared.  I wasn’t sure if I was good enough to pursue a degree in writing.  If I wasn’t accepted, that would mean I wasn’t worthy.  That is definitely a scary thought.  God was calling me to write, but what if I wasn’t good enough.  So instead of trusting God, I took the easy way out and am pursuing a master’s degree in Special Education.  At some point, I came to terms with the idea I might not be good enough and decided I needed to write.  Even if no one read a word I typed, I needed to write.  It was what God was calling me to do.

 Second, my writing time is very connected to my prayer time.  I have been cheating myself of my time with God.  It is during this time that I speak to Him and He speaks to me.  My relationship is beyond “hello” or a “to do list”  I give for Him to accomplish.  It is my time to be in His presence and listen.  I find when I am quiet and listen, He speaks.  And He speaks very clearly.

Of course, I must give credit to my Christian sisters.  They have held me accountable. They have softly and gently moved me back onto the path of writing.  In fact, it was I who started the whole accountability issue this past week.  My dear friend Mary has been struggling lately and I challenged her to do something about it. In this challenge, I realized that I too, must listen to the call of God.  And I knew it would be about writing.  I told Mary if she did something three times this week I would write in my blog …  as I hesitated about how many times I would write in my blog, I turned to my friend Erin.  I asked her, “How many times do you think I should post to my blog?”

Her answer was the same as the number in my head – 2.  (Golly, God, do You really have to put what I am thinking in someone else’s head?)

So now Mary and I are holding each other accountable, but it doesn’t end there.  Erin needs to let go of her control of the universe.  Sarah needs to get her butt out of bed and spend time with God.  Sarah and Erin need to sign up for the Lay Speaking class.  They also need to get off their butts and start a pre-school.  (By the way Pastor Rob, the two of them should be speaking to you about this within the next week.)

While it might seem harsh to call out my friends, I do so with their permission, but more importantly, there is a basis for accountability in the Bible.  Colossians 3:16-17 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing (bold, italics, underlining added) one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.  And whatever you do in word or deed do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

In my Christian sisters I am held accountable for the call God has on my heart.  And I am expected to hold my sisters to the same standards.  God has placed these women in my life so that I am able to stay on the right path.  They either confirm or turn me back to God for reconfirmation.  They see me in the roles God is placing on my heart.  And I see in them, the call God is placing in their lives.  I do not want to be 1/20 off.  I want to be on the right path because it doesn’t take long, and 2 months have gone by and I haven’t written a word.  If not for them, it would be another 2 months, and another 2 months and before you know it, a year will have gone by.

Remember Proverbs 12:15 “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel.”  So, how about you?  Are you on the right path?  What is God calling you to do?  Who do you turn to for accountability?

On the Cusp

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I am on the cusp of a new life.  I can feel it deep within me, bubbling to the surface.  There are dreams/goals that are finding their way up to the front again.  As I am on this journey to lose weight I am finding who I want to be once again.  To lose weight I joined Fitness Express, saved up my money so I could then begin Total Solutions, a weight loss program offered at Fitness Express.  It is not just about losing weight.  It is about changing the thinking in my brain.  Every week I am sent “Life Success” issues to read, listen to and write about my goals.  At the same time, I am doing a study with WOW (a women’s group at my church) called Hearing the Voice of God.  And the two are converging.  “Life Success” is helping me to stop and slow down and reach deep within me to find what I really want to do with my life, while Hearing the Voice of God is refining my ability to listen and hear God’s voice within my life.

So you ask me, “Jozett, what are your goals … your dreams?  What is God calling you to do?”

Write.  Write.  Write.  It is in my writing that I connect with God.  My goal is to have a manuscript written within the next 5 years.  I want to be a speaker.  I want to do public speaking.  I’m not sure about what yet, but I know I am being called to do this.  I have love and hope and grace and strength to share with people.  I have a story to tell, and I want to tell it.  The more I pray and write and lose weight, the more I am aware that God is calling me to do and be more than I am right now.

Before when I would think about these dreams, I would be terrified and run the other way.  I am tired of being terrified.  I am tired of running away.  I want to experience the full blessings God has for my life.  This means I must take more time to be with Him, listen to Him and follow Him.  I know for some people my next statements sound silly, but here it goes.  I have used eating and my obesitiy as a way to rebel against my Father.  I was not giving HIm all of me.  I wanted control of something, and this was my control.  It’s now in His hands.

How do I know that I have given this all over to Him?  For 2 days in a row, I was handing out cupcakes, cookies and popcorn to my students.  Not once did I lick my fingers, take a bite, or try a dessert.  In the past, I would have devoured 4 or 5 of these tasty treats with my students.  In my room I have hard candy to give as treats for my students, and I do not eat them.  And guess what, I haven’t craved any of it.

This past week, I have been on the fasting phase of this program.  It is a very limited diet meant to speed up my metabolism.  My first thought when I saw this was, “I am not going to make it.”  But the thought that replaced it was, “I can do this with my eyes on God.”  In all of my prayers, I keep hearing very clearly, “Be obedient and you will be blessed.”  I am being obedient.  This time I know the blessings He has for me are more than I can even imagine.  I can feel it deep, deep within my soul.  I am no longer afraid of the dreams God has placed in my soul.  They are His dreams too.  There can be no failure when He is in charge!!

 

 

 

Communion

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Have you ever served communion?  Today I helped serve communion.  There is something incredibly powerful in placing communion in someone’s hand and saying, “The Bread of Life given for you.”  See, I was raised Catholic, and the only person allowed to serve the bread and wine was the priest.  It was the actual embodiment of the body and blood of Christ.  I believe to a certain extent this is true.  When we accept communion, we accept the fact that Christ endured agonizing pain for us.  When we accept Him, we are called to be like Him.  Communion is a way to remind ourselves that Christ is forever connected to us.  We are taking in His presence in our lives.  It is that reminder I cherish.

It is strange for me to give communion.  I find myself offering this symbol of Christ to those in our congregation.  Some of them are my good friends.  It is no longer a friendship when I offer The Bread of Life, but a deeper relationship that connects us.  It is a God connection.  People who I laugh with about the antics of our children are now serious.

Then there are the elderly people.  Who am I to serve these people who have forged a lifetime of faith?  I am humbled in their presence.  I am even more humbled when I place this life giving symbol into gnarled hands that have experienced a life time of work.  As different as we may be, we are more alike in our love for Christ.

I have to hold back my smile and laughter with our children that come to kneel at the railing.  They are so serious, and yet moments before they were whispering in the pews about all kinds of kid things.  My son and his friend have been in deep conversation throughout worship, yet here at the railing, that has gone.  My son simply says, “Hi mom”, gives me a smile and accepts this simple offering.

In the midst of giving communion, are people who I do not always like.  In fact they irritate me.  We agree to disagree and stay out of each other’s way.  And yet, at this railing, there are no disagreements.  This is God’s railing and not ours.  It is this act of communion, of coming together, that makes us His children.

Each person accepts communion differently.  There are those that make no eye contact.  Their hands are open to accept the offering and not once do they look up to see who is giving the offering.  They are in their own space and time with God.  But there are those that make direct eye contact with me as I am saying to them, “This is the Body of Christ given for you.”  And I feel something more than just eye contact.

There is a God connection.  I am the giver of something greater than I have a right to give.  Yet here I am giving this precious gift that God, that Christ, has generously offered.  I am humbled.  I am truly His servent in this time and place.  He has blessed me and given me grace.  He is my Lord and Saviour.

Giving communion is a giving, an offering, a connection to God that we need.  I am honored to have given this gift today.

 

 

 

God’s Blessings

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God is so good.  I went and worked out this morning and came back to weigh in on my scale, and it was down.  It his me like a ton of bricks; I am being faithful to God and He is blessing me.  No, it’s not just about the weight.  Before the new year came, I had time to really talk with God.  He made it clear that changes were going to happen in my life this year.  Change is coming, be faithful.

This does not mean I sit back and do nothing and wait.  No, this means I have to follow God’s plan for me.  Funny thing is, it’s not always my plan.  Here is what I know God wants me to do:  Pray fervently, lose weight – hand over the eating to HIM, write abundantly.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I am a praying girl, but He’s asking me for more of the quiet, meditative prayer rather than the rush requesting prayers.  I exercise, but I have rebelled when it comes to food.  I allowed food to rule over me and I was losing the battle.  And of course I write, but this is writing beyond me.  This is writing to share.

God is good.  He wants to bless us, if we let Him.  I am ready to let Him bless me even more.  How about you?  Will you join me at His banquet table.