embrace

Keep on Truckin’

/ jomccoy / 3 Comments

There he is; the little old man, his reflective vest, and his silver walker.  He’s usually on the sidewalk when I am getting ready to turn to go into my school.  He’s moving at a good clip for someone who is using a walker.  I notice his legs are strong and muscular.  Every morning on my drive to work, I look for this little old man.  When I see him I find myself thinking, “Way to go.  You keep truckin’.”  And inevitably I think, “I want to be him when I am that old.”  I want to be moving at whatever pace my body will allow me to move.

I realize that as I age, my body changes.  I have aches and pains I didn’t have when I was younger.  I find I am tired more often.  I want to be in bed early and up early, and I want my 8 hours of sleep.  I have recently found that when I injure myself, I don’t know how I sustained the injury.  I wake up, and I have pulled a muscle in my arm.  How does this happen?  I want to know what I did in order to feel the pain I feel.  It’s just not right.  It’s not fair.  Why did God make my body this way?  I did not appreciate the strength and health I had when I was younger, and now that I am older, I want that young body back.  I know what I want to do with that young body.

This is the whole thing with life.  You get older … you change.  What you do with the change is up to you.  I have a choice about how I am going to live out the second half of my life.  I can give into the pain, the , the change and bemoan the fact that I am getting older.  Or I can embrace it and use my life experience to become all I am meant to become.  I want to “keep truckin'” like my little old man.  He has inspired me.  I don’t know him.  But he has influenced me to keep moving my body when all I want to do is hit the alarm clock and snooze an hour more.  Because I am sure that when I am his age, I will be thankful that my body is still moving, that my mind is functioning.

What I find even more fascinating is that he is affecting my life and we have never met.  How often do I do that for others?  Am I influencing others I don’t even know?  What is it I am doing right now with my life that leaves a positive impact on other people?  Every day I make contact with people I don’t know.  That’s a hefty thought.  What I do says more about who I am as a person than anything I can say.  I want people to see me as a loving, caring person.  I want people to see me as someone who will stand up and fight for what is right.  I want people to see my actions as a child of God.  Is that what I show?

Often I think I fall far short of those expectations.  I make mistakes.  I stay silent when I should speak about a wrong.  I talk gossip when I should keep my mouth shut.  It’s not that I am all bad, but what I do can impact someone else.  I want to be a positive impact.  I want to create a positive ripple in people’s lives.

I want to be the old man in the bright orange reflector, walking in the early morning with my silver walker.  I want to influence people in ways I don’t even know I am influencing them.  I just want to”‘Keep on Truckin'”

I Remember

/ jomccoy / 1 Comment

I remember Grandma DeKezel,

            her colostomy bag full and oozing.

I remember smiling and chattering

            and easing her discomfort

            of being dependent upon my hands.

I remember her talk of sex

            and the loathing she had when Grandpa

            would touch her – until she was 30.

I remember the smile sliding across her face

            the twinkle in her eyes

            as she yearned for Grandpa then.

            Sex was not a sin.

I remember her finger pointing at the cabinet

            “Take the white China with the yellow flowers.

             Count it all and be sure it’s there.”

And I remember nodding no,

            “Keep it until next time I am here.”

I remember the silent, arguing stares

           over disappearing treasures

           before she was laid to rest.

I remember the harsh words zinging overhead

            because her children didn’t finish unfinished words

            in the space of her ensuing death.

I remember the chasm created

            in the wake of her death.

I remember thinking

            “They lost the chance to know their mother

             in the grace of ensuing death.”

            “They lost the chance for her to speak unspoken words

              that could not be said.”

 

My memory will never forget

            knowing my grandma

Hands

/ jomccoy / 1 Comment

Her hands were bony and strong.  Not the hands of youth with its demand to have power and control.  No, her hands were strong from living life and a “hold onto me” strength.  Those hands held onto me through the entire benediction.  At the end there was that extra squeeze.  I give it too.  It’s the squeeze that says, “You belong.  You are part of this community, and God will be with you this week.”

Holding hands allows you the opportunity to say more than words can.  I had a very dear friend of mine stop me to thank me for praying for her.  She had approached me several weeks ago for prayer over some medical tests she was having done.  But in the midst of her thanking me to pray for her, she appologized for not asking me how I was doing.  I took her hands in mine and told her I understood.  I held her hands because I wanted her to know how much she meant to me.  I took her hands to reassure her that she did not need to apologize to me.  I took her hands in mine to let her know I loved her and it was my privilage to pray for her.

Holding hands with my 9 year old son allows me to tell him how much I love him.  He is at an age where he does not want his mother to kiss him or hug him in front of his friends.  Yet he will let me hold his hand while we walk together … even in front of his friends.  I treasue this time.  I treasue this hand holding because it is my way of telling him he belongs; he is part of me.

It is in our hands that we offer prayer and petition to God.  It is in our hands when we are able to heal or to hurt others.  Our hands express so much of what we cannot.  Christ used His hands to heal, to touch, to heal people.  I want to reach out to others in the same way.  Sometimes I am in situations where I cannot hold someone’s hand.  But I can touch them.  I can put my hand on their arm or shoulder.  I find myself doing this with my students.  It is in my touch that I convey to them that they belong.  They are worth more than what they think.  My students are worthy of a simple touch.

Hands speak so much.  They convey strength and love and hope and trust.  Just the act of holding onto someone else’s hand can inspire someone to be more and do more.  What are your hands going to say about you this week?

1/2 a Degree Off

/ jomccoy / 1 Comment

          When I went through Army basic training, I had to learn how to read a map and use a compass to navigate my way through the woods.  Needless to say, I was not good at this.  My sense of direction is always backwards.  And while I can read a road map, reading a topographical map is something entirely different.  I quickly learned that if I was even ½0 off, I would be miles from my targeted destination within no time.  I wasn’t a little lost … I was a lot lost. 

If it was just me, that would be fine, but I had a whole squad I was leading.  I led 7 other people off the right path.  A drill sergeant found us on the edge of the woods we were training and asked us if we knew what we were doing.  She asked who was in charge and I reluctantly admitted it had been my turn.  She took the compass and map from me and handed it over to another private.  She looked at the rest of my squad and clearly said, “Never let Blair lead you with the compass again.  If she is put in charge, help her fake it, otherwise you will all get lost again.  Blair, always make sure you are with someone who knows how to read a compass.”  Luckily this was just training, and luckily there were members of our squad who knew what to do to get us back on the right path and lead us to the next destination.  (Later I found out that I was one of the worst privates to try to use a compass.  I understood the concept on paper; I just couldn’t apply it.) 

It’s been a long time since I’ve written.  I’ve fallen off of the path – just a 1/20 and a few months later.  To me it doesn’t seem to be a big deal.  It isn’t like I stopped praying or going to church.  I’m not sinning in such a way that I would be led straight to hell.  No, I just have a bunch of excuses as to why I haven’t written.  I am too busy.  (Well, I am.  I’m a full time mom, work full time, full time wife, taking a grad class, very involved in my church.  You get the picture.)  There are more important things to do right now then write.  The only problem with this scenario is that God is calling me to write.  See, I have felt that maybe I shouldn’t be finishing my graduate class.  I am only three classes away from earning my masters degree in Special Education. 

When God called me to write, I talked to Him about finishing.  I want to finish my degree because this is the second masters I have started, and I want to finish it.  I feel like I need to finish it.  It is a need to complete a task I have started.  So when God called me to write, I spent time in prayer about my master’s degree.  The answer I received was very clear, “You can finish this degree so long as you write.”  I have not been writing faithfully.  And I believe this is why I have felt such angst about finishing my degree or quitting my degree to write.

  Now I am in a pickle.  I haven’t really written.  I mean, I have written in my prayer time.  I have jotted down ideas.  I have ideas percolating in my head, but the true writing that God is calling me to do, I haven’t done.  Why is it that I am so stubborn?  Why don’t I follow what God has called me to do?  I am always so blessed when I do what He wants me to do.  I am like the Israelites who made the golden calf when Moses was on Mount Sinai.  God told Moses in Exodus 33:3, “Go up to a land flowing with milk and honey; for I will not go up in your midst, lest I consume you on the way, for you are a stiff-necked people.”  I am the “stiff-necked” people.  While I do want to be in God’s presence, I don’t always want to do His will.  This makes no sense.  There is nothing He has done to cause me to be anxious or worried.

            Oh, wait a minute.  There is one tiny, little, itty-bitty thing that bothers me when I go to do whatever it is God wants me to do – I don’t know the outcome.  I don’t even get to know the path I am suppose to take.  It’s like those computer games that only allow you to see the room you are in and no more.  I don’t get to see beyond the next footstep.  Yet, God has never, ever taken me down a wrong path.  In fact, when I follow Him, I find myself being who I am really meant to be.  I am doing and being all I am created to do and be. 

            So here I am, back on the right path, for several reasons.  The first is that I really do want to finish my degree.  And God was very clear with me that I need to write while I work on my degree.  When I was considering going after a degree in writing, I found myself scared.  I wasn’t sure if I was good enough to pursue a degree in writing.  If I wasn’t accepted, that would mean I wasn’t worthy.  That is definitely a scary thought.  God was calling me to write, but what if I wasn’t good enough.  So instead of trusting God, I took the easy way out and am pursuing a master’s degree in Special Education.  At some point, I came to terms with the idea I might not be good enough and decided I needed to write.  Even if no one read a word I typed, I needed to write.  It was what God was calling me to do.

 Second, my writing time is very connected to my prayer time.  I have been cheating myself of my time with God.  It is during this time that I speak to Him and He speaks to me.  My relationship is beyond “hello” or a “to do list”  I give for Him to accomplish.  It is my time to be in His presence and listen.  I find when I am quiet and listen, He speaks.  And He speaks very clearly.

Of course, I must give credit to my Christian sisters.  They have held me accountable. They have softly and gently moved me back onto the path of writing.  In fact, it was I who started the whole accountability issue this past week.  My dear friend Mary has been struggling lately and I challenged her to do something about it. In this challenge, I realized that I too, must listen to the call of God.  And I knew it would be about writing.  I told Mary if she did something three times this week I would write in my blog …  as I hesitated about how many times I would write in my blog, I turned to my friend Erin.  I asked her, “How many times do you think I should post to my blog?”

Her answer was the same as the number in my head – 2.  (Golly, God, do You really have to put what I am thinking in someone else’s head?)

So now Mary and I are holding each other accountable, but it doesn’t end there.  Erin needs to let go of her control of the universe.  Sarah needs to get her butt out of bed and spend time with God.  Sarah and Erin need to sign up for the Lay Speaking class.  They also need to get off their butts and start a pre-school.  (By the way Pastor Rob, the two of them should be speaking to you about this within the next week.)

While it might seem harsh to call out my friends, I do so with their permission, but more importantly, there is a basis for accountability in the Bible.  Colossians 3:16-17 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing (bold, italics, underlining added) one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.  And whatever you do in word or deed do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

In my Christian sisters I am held accountable for the call God has on my heart.  And I am expected to hold my sisters to the same standards.  God has placed these women in my life so that I am able to stay on the right path.  They either confirm or turn me back to God for reconfirmation.  They see me in the roles God is placing on my heart.  And I see in them, the call God is placing in their lives.  I do not want to be 1/20 off.  I want to be on the right path because it doesn’t take long, and 2 months have gone by and I haven’t written a word.  If not for them, it would be another 2 months, and another 2 months and before you know it, a year will have gone by.

Remember Proverbs 12:15 “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel.”  So, how about you?  Are you on the right path?  What is God calling you to do?  Who do you turn to for accountability?

My Beloved Daughter

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I quiet myself and come into the presence of the Lord.  I feel His smile reach me.  It is so warm and loving.  I look into Christ’s face and ask Him, “What do you want me to do?”

Be still my child, my beloved daughter.  Be still and bask in my embrace.  I know all you are going through.  You are my beloved daughter, and you are precious to me.  I want you to know I love you no matter what.  Whether you listen to me, walk away, deny me.  There is nothing you could ever do that would stop me from loving you. 

These are the kinds of conversations I have with God.  This one is about me, and I am willing to share it.  Lately, when I come to Him, I ask Him what He wants me to do.  Sometimes the question is different, but this is the one that has been popping up more frequently.  And usually I ask Him what He wants me to write.  Today has been no different.  So someone out there needs to here this message.  Take the time to stop and not just come at God with requests, but stop and bask in His presence.   Isn’t that what we want with our own children, spouses, partners, loved ones?  Don’t we just want them to bask in the love we have for them?  That’s what God wants for you today.  He is calling you, beloved child.