I wait
Centered in the cacophonous rush 
Listening intently
For quiet sounds to emerge
Rising above to ensnare me
Releasing me into multicolored prisms
Joy intertwines itself with life
I swirl in multidimensional shafts of light
Delivering me from the inharmonies of life
Here I want to reside
Worldy stings pull at me
Bringing me back to earth
I am left between the joy of living and the overwhelming tsunamis of life
But I am not alone.
Never have been.
Never will be.
There he is; the little old man, his reflective vest, and his silver walker. He’s usually on the sidewalk when I am getting ready to turn to go into my school. He’s moving at a good clip for someone who is using a walker. I notice his legs are strong and muscular. Every morning on my drive to work, I look for this little old man. When I see him I find myself thinking, “Way to go. You keep truckin’.” And inevitably I think, “I want to be him when I am that old.” I want to be moving at whatever pace my body will allow me to move.
I realize that as I age, my body changes. I have aches and pains I didn’t have when I was younger. I find I am tired more often. I want to be in bed early and up early, and I want my 8 hours of sleep. I have recently found that when I injure myself, I don’t know how I sustained the injury. I wake up, and I have pulled a muscle in my arm. How does this happen? I want to know what I did in order to feel the pain I feel. It’s just not right. It’s not fair. Why did God make my body this way? I did not appreciate the strength and health I had when I was younger, and now that I am older, I want that young body back. I know what I want to do with that young body.
This is the whole thing with life. You get older … you change. What you do with the change is up to you. I have a choice about how I am going to live out the second half of my life. I can give into the pain, the , the change and bemoan the fact that I am getting older. Or I can embrace it and use my life experience to become all I am meant to become. I want to “keep truckin'” like my little old man. He has inspired me. I don’t know him. But he has influenced me to keep moving my body when all I want to do is hit the alarm clock and snooze an hour more. Because I am sure that when I am his age, I will be thankful that my body is still moving, that my mind is functioning.
What I find even more fascinating is that he is affecting my life and we have never met. How often do I do that for others? Am I influencing others I don’t even know? What is it I am doing right now with my life that leaves a positive impact on other people? Every day I make contact with people I don’t know. That’s a hefty thought. What I do says more about who I am as a person than anything I can say. I want people to see me as a loving, caring person. I want people to see me as someone who will stand up and fight for what is right. I want people to see my actions as a child of God. Is that what I show?
Often I think I fall far short of those expectations. I make mistakes. I stay silent when I should speak about a wrong. I talk gossip when I should keep my mouth shut. It’s not that I am all bad, but what I do can impact someone else. I want to be a positive impact. I want to create a positive ripple in people’s lives.
I want to be the old man in the bright orange reflector, walking in the early morning with my silver walker. I want to influence people in ways I don’t even know I am influencing them. I just want to”‘Keep on Truckin'”
So I am walking and talking to God this morning, and I realize it has been a long time since I have had a deep meaningful, give and take conversation with Him. I apologize. I ask for forgiveness. He simply asks me, “Are you doing what I have asked you to do?” There is no condemnation in the question. There is no expectation that I will feel guilty. There is no ‘attitude’. It’s just a question for me to ponder. But I say to Him, “No.”
It is then I realize that while I have given my last hold out, my health, over to Him, I have slipped. Food has been and will always be an issue for me. I see it, I want it, I have to have it … NOW. It doesn’t matter if I am hungry or not. And lately, I have fallen into the mind-trap of, “I just rode 22 miles this morning, I can have ______________ to eat.” (Fill in the blank with any food you love, but shouldn’t have every day.)
Some of my favorite foods.
Because I am not taking time to be with my best friend, God, I am not focusing on what is really important in my life. I am derailing myself. So this morning, after my walk, before showering, or getting on the scale or eating breakfast, I am writing. This is what God is calling me to do with my life. I am no longer afraid of the ‘what ifs’. That’s not the problem. It is balancing being a graduate student, being a mother, being a wife, a new career move, my health, and my faith. Notice my faith is last. That is where I have placed it, and yet it should be the first. My time spent with God should be at the beginning. Once I place God where He should be, everything else will fall into place.
I should know this by now. I’m a mature Christian. I’ve done this act before. I am so glad that my Lord knows me and loves me so completely. I am glad that I can sin, receive true forgiveness. I am glad that while I don’t always learn from my mistakes, I can continue to move forward in my life, and God will always be there to guide me.
He’s waiting for you too. Take some time today to listen for His word in your life.
I am on the cusp of a new life. I can feel it deep within me, bubbling to the surface. There are dreams/goals that are finding their way up to the front again. As I am on this journey to lose weight I am finding who I want to be once again. To lose weight I joined Fitness Express, saved up my money so I could then begin Total Solutions, a weight loss program offered at Fitness Express. It is not just about losing weight. It is about changing the thinking in my brain. Every week I am sent “Life Success” issues to read, listen to and write about my goals. At the same time, I am doing a study with WOW (a women’s group at my church) called Hearing the Voice of God. And the two are converging. “Life Success” is helping me to stop and slow down and reach deep within me to find what I really want to do with my life, while Hearing the Voice of God is refining my ability to listen and hear God’s voice within my life.
So you ask me, “Jozett, what are your goals … your dreams? What is God calling you to do?”
Write. Write. Write. It is in my writing that I connect with God. My goal is to have a manuscript written within the next 5 years. I want to be a speaker. I want to do public speaking. I’m not sure about what yet, but I know I am being called to do this. I have love and hope and grace and strength to share with people. I have a story to tell, and I want to tell it. The more I pray and write and lose weight, the more I am aware that God is calling me to do and be more than I am right now.
Before when I would think about these dreams, I would be terrified and run the other way. I am tired of being terrified. I am tired of running away. I want to experience the full blessings God has for my life. This means I must take more time to be with Him, listen to Him and follow Him. I know for some people my next statements sound silly, but here it goes. I have used eating and my obesitiy as a way to rebel against my Father. I was not giving HIm all of me. I wanted control of something, and this was my control. It’s now in His hands.
How do I know that I have given this all over to Him? For 2 days in a row, I was handing out cupcakes, cookies and popcorn to my students. Not once did I lick my fingers, take a bite, or try a dessert. In the past, I would have devoured 4 or 5 of these tasty treats with my students. In my room I have hard candy to give as treats for my students, and I do not eat them. And guess what, I haven’t craved any of it.
This past week, I have been on the fasting phase of this program. It is a very limited diet meant to speed up my metabolism. My first thought when I saw this was, “I am not going to make it.” But the thought that replaced it was, “I can do this with my eyes on God.” In all of my prayers, I keep hearing very clearly, “Be obedient and you will be blessed.” I am being obedient. This time I know the blessings He has for me are more than I can even imagine. I can feel it deep, deep within my soul. I am no longer afraid of the dreams God has placed in my soul. They are His dreams too. There can be no failure when He is in charge!!
God is so good. I went and worked out this morning and came back to weigh in on my scale, and it was down. It his me like a ton of bricks; I am being faithful to God and He is blessing me. No, it’s not just about the weight. Before the new year came, I had time to really talk with God. He made it clear that changes were going to happen in my life this year. Change is coming, be faithful.
This does not mean I sit back and do nothing and wait. No, this means I have to follow God’s plan for me. Funny thing is, it’s not always my plan. Here is what I know God wants me to do: Pray fervently, lose weight – hand over the eating to HIM, write abundantly. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am a praying girl, but He’s asking me for more of the quiet, meditative prayer rather than the rush requesting prayers. I exercise, but I have rebelled when it comes to food. I allowed food to rule over me and I was losing the battle. And of course I write, but this is writing beyond me. This is writing to share.
God is good. He wants to bless us, if we let Him. I am ready to let Him bless me even more. How about you? Will you join me at His banquet table.
Faith Journies 