Doing It Again

So I am walking and talking to God this morning, and I realize it has been a long time since I have had a deep meaningful, give and take conversation with Him.  I apologize.  I ask for forgiveness.  He simply asks me, “Are you doing what I have asked you to do?”  There is no condemnation in the question.  There is no expectation that I will feel guilty.  There is no ‘attitude’.  It’s just a question for me to ponder.  But I say to Him, “No.”

It is then I realize that while I have given my last hold out, my health, over to Him, I have slipped.  Food has been and will always be an issue for me.  I see it, I want it, I have to have it … NOW.  It doesn’t matter if I am hungry or not.  And lately, I have fallen into the mind-trap of, “I just rode 22 miles this morning, I can have ______________ to eat.”  (Fill in the blank with any food you love, but shouldn’t have every day.)

Some of my favorite foods.

Because I am not taking time to be with my best friend, God, I am not focusing on what is really important in my life.  I am derailing myself.  So this morning, after my walk, before showering, or getting on the scale or eating breakfast, I am writing.  This is what God is calling me to do with my life.  I am no longer afraid of the ‘what ifs’.  That’s not the problem.  It is balancing being a graduate student,  being a mother, being a wife, a new career move, my health, and my faith.  Notice my faith is last.  That is where I have placed it, and yet it should be the first.  My time spent with God should be at the beginning.  Once I place God where He should be, everything else will fall into place.

I should know this by now.  I’m a mature Christian.  I’ve done this act before.  I am so glad that my Lord knows me and loves me so completely.  I am glad that I can sin, receive true forgiveness.  I am glad that while I don’t always learn from my mistakes, I can continue to move forward in my life, and God will always be there to guide me.

He’s waiting for you too.  Take some time today to listen for His word in your life.

Being Prepared

Okay, so God is leading me.  I am following Him.  I am doing all that He is asking me to do.  But there is this time lapse thing I just don’t understand.  Well, I do, but it is frustrating.  Let me back up a little bit and bring you up to speed on what God has been and is doing in my life.

In December of 2011, I did a lot of deep praying/listening to God.  He made it very clear that I needed to write.  I needed to put my weight, my health, under His control.  So, being the good daughter that I am, I started to do both of those things.  And being human, I find myself under stress, no time to write, no time to exercise the way I need to, no time to pray deeply.  But I keep plugging away.  I keep trying.  I keep reading and talking to Him when I can.  But most importantly I listen to Him.  And I hear Him very clearly.  He is preparing me.

In the midst of all of this, I am finishing a masters degree in special education.  I chose special education because I was to afraid to apply to a prestegious university’s writing program.  I was afraid they would reject me even though God was telling me to “go for it”.  The degree in special education was the easy way out for me.  It was safe, close and at my alma mater.  There have been times I have thought about stopping, but I want to finish this degree.  I am a year out from completing this program.  I sat down and had a heart to heart talk with God.  The answer I received was something like this,  “You can finish this program, but you have to write.  I have something more for you to do.”

I am to write.  I am to speak.  And …. well, that’s just it.  I don’t know what the And is.  I do know that He is moving me in a way I cannot explain clearly.  This is not the same as before in my life.  I feel the moving in my spirit.  I feel the moving in my life.  I see it in the people I am being surrounded by, but I don’t know for what purpose.  Every other time in my life I knew the calling God had for my life.  And while I believe I am being prepared to be a writer and a speaker, I believe He is preparing me for something more.

And this is the cool thing.  I am unafraid.  I am patient.  I know it will happen.  I do not doubt God’s ability to radically change my life.  For the first time in my 44 years of life, I am ready to start and finish something God has planned for me.  I am being prepared.