I wait
Centered in the cacophonous rush 
Listening intently
For quiet sounds to emerge
Rising above to ensnare me
Releasing me into multicolored prisms
Joy intertwines itself with life
I swirl in multidimensional shafts of light
Delivering me from the inharmonies of life
Here I want to reside
Worldy stings pull at me
Bringing me back to earth
I am left between the joy of living and the overwhelming tsunamis of life
But I am not alone.
Never have been.
Never will be.
Life coming at me.
Overwhelming life hitting me like a tsunami wave.
cacophonous words trip upon each other in my mind. I am lost in my own body
So I slide into this dark box of mine, hidden deep inside.
Just to rest. Just for a quiet moment of silence.
It’s quiet in here. Deep down in the dark. It’s not so bad. I can release myself to this quiet and be still. Nothing enters or leaves. It’s been a long time since I entered this place. This deep, dark, quiet place.
But it is never truly quiet. My thoughts, like dust floating in sun beams, drift down making light, fluffy, muffled, jangling noises. And the ruminations settle around me.
These musings of mine ease their way next to me. Some of these thoughts want to pull me into a darker place. A place where leaving the box becomes difficult. A place where I bury me beyond existence.
I push the clamour aside and wait for the other reflections to settle on top of the debris. And they shift to the top. Reminding me that staying in the box is not as safe as facing the crashing tsunami waves of my life.
My box shimmers and white light drifts all around me like falling snow. Each light flake touches my skin, bringing delight. Memories of joy in existing pull me up to the top.
I decide it is time to leave my quiet dark box. As I come forward, the waves of life crash down upon me, and I am driven down.
But I am not alone.
I never was.
I am taking a class… well … actually two classes. Trying to finish my master’s degree. So, anyway, I have to change a behavior as a project in my Behavior Intervention class. Or in my case, restart a behavior. I have chosen writing. I need to write. I long to have oodles of time to write. I feel like I am doing everything but writing. Since I don’t have lots of time but I need to write, I came up with a simple plan. I am going to write 3 times a week for a half an hour each time. Saturday morning I go and work out, come home and pray, study my Bible and write, Sunday morning I go and work out, pray, study my Bible, go to church and write throughout the morning. Then on Wednesday evenings, after my class, I go into the library and work for another ½ hour on a blog post.
This is where I am now, in the WIU library, writing this post, making my first week deadline. The problem, I forgot my notebook with my writing in it from Saturday and Sunday. Not a very exciting post, I admit, but there is a purpose, a method to the madness. I have to find ways to carve out time in my hectic life to pursue what I believe, and others have affirmed, God is calling me to do with my life.
It is so easy for me to say, “I have no time. I am tired. I don’t feel like it. This is too hard. Why should I write? Is it going to get me anything?” But if I continue to fall into that trap, I lose my personal legend (a term I borrow from Paulo Coelho and his book The Alchemist). Within Coelho’s book he weaves the concepts of omens and personal legends and the soul of the world in a tale that reminds me that I too have a personal legend. I get to choose to follow it or stay stagnant. But the catch is, I know my personal legend. If I don’t follow it, I will forever feel the weight and burden of not even trying.
Beyond this story, I know God is yearning for me to follow the path He has set for me. I get to choose to move on that path or stray from it or not even walk it altogether. It is totally up to me. It isn’t about how busy I am, how tired I am, what I want to do or not. It is about weaving my life in a way that comes in harmony with God and the world He has created.
So, here I am, writing. For the next 12 weeks and beyond, whoever reads this has the ability to help me stay accountable in changing my behavior. You have the ability to help me reach my personal legend. Respond back to me. Call me. Leave a message on my blog. Text me. Email me. Let me know you are reading this. Let me know if my words are making a difference for you.
I stood there in the dark silence of the chapel with the stain glass face of Christ looking in at the pews. His hole pierced hands showing an anguish I felt. No one was here, not in this space or time, yet I sounds of a movie floated above me from the back wall. I did not approach God straight on, I walked down the side aisle, as far away from His face, my head down with my hair falling around my face – hiding my shame.
“Why? Why me God? What did I do that is so different then everyone else? What did I do that was so wrong?” It was not a whisper but a cry that came welling up from my soul. “How can you do this to me? This is not suppose to happen to me! I do not want this baby. Take this cup from me!”
There was no answer. The stillness crept into my porous soul, which I was trying to cement shut. I raged at God. I shook my fist into the air, crying out to the God who would not speak. The stained glass Jesus said nothing, but His hole pierced hands spoke to my anguish. The only sounds were those of my soul feeling betrayed. My shame oozed into the very recesses of my heart and the guilt overcame me. I found myself prostrate in front of the alter with stain glass Jesus standing over me. His expression never changed. His anguish bleed into my mind, reminding me of His humanness.
“Pass this cup from me Lord, if it is Your will. I cannot do this alone. I am so sorry for my sin,” rippled repeatedly off of my tongue. Time was warped. I was there for minutes, hours, a life time. I pulled myself off the rough carpeted floor. I was wishing, hoping, someone would walk in and offer that act of humanness that God could not give. No one came.
Slowly as I stood there, I felt I was not alone. I turned around and looked into the darkness carefully, yet I couldn’t find anyone. The very air changed. A calmness washed over me. I was surrounded by angels. I could not see them but the sense of them was so palpable I could breathe it into my soul. “Hush. Shhh daughter.”
I could not hear God because I could not release my guilt. I was unworthy of His love. God’s angels placed me in the protective sphere of His guardians. I was not alone. He had not abandoned me.
Okay, so God is leading me. I am following Him. I am doing all that He is asking me to do. But there is this time lapse thing I just don’t understand. Well, I do, but it is frustrating. Let me back up a little bit and bring you up to speed on what God has been and is doing in my life.
In December of 2011, I did a lot of deep praying/listening to God. He made it very clear that I needed to write. I needed to put my weight, my health, under His control. So, being the good daughter that I am, I started to do both of those things. And being human, I find myself under stress, no time to write, no time to exercise the way I need to, no time to pray deeply. But I keep plugging away. I keep trying. I keep reading and talking to Him when I can. But most importantly I listen to Him. And I hear Him very clearly. He is preparing me.
In the midst of all of this, I am finishing a masters degree in special education. I chose special education because I was to afraid to apply to a prestegious university’s writing program. I was afraid they would reject me even though God was telling me to “go for it”. The degree in special education was the easy way out for me. It was safe, close and at my alma mater. There have been times I have thought about stopping, but I want to finish this degree. I am a year out from completing this program. I sat down and had a heart to heart talk with God. The answer I received was something like this, “You can finish this program, but you have to write. I have something more for you to do.”
I am to write. I am to speak. And …. well, that’s just it. I don’t know what the And is. I do know that He is moving me in a way I cannot explain clearly. This is not the same as before in my life. I feel the moving in my spirit. I feel the moving in my life. I see it in the people I am being surrounded by, but I don’t know for what purpose. Every other time in my life I knew the calling God had for my life. And while I believe I am being prepared to be a writer and a speaker, I believe He is preparing me for something more.
And this is the cool thing. I am unafraid. I am patient. I know it will happen. I do not doubt God’s ability to radically change my life. For the first time in my 44 years of life, I am ready to start and finish something God has planned for me. I am being prepared.
I am on the cusp of a new life. I can feel it deep within me, bubbling to the surface. There are dreams/goals that are finding their way up to the front again. As I am on this journey to lose weight I am finding who I want to be once again. To lose weight I joined Fitness Express, saved up my money so I could then begin Total Solutions, a weight loss program offered at Fitness Express. It is not just about losing weight. It is about changing the thinking in my brain. Every week I am sent “Life Success” issues to read, listen to and write about my goals. At the same time, I am doing a study with WOW (a women’s group at my church) called Hearing the Voice of God. And the two are converging. “Life Success” is helping me to stop and slow down and reach deep within me to find what I really want to do with my life, while Hearing the Voice of God is refining my ability to listen and hear God’s voice within my life.
So you ask me, “Jozett, what are your goals … your dreams? What is God calling you to do?”
Write. Write. Write. It is in my writing that I connect with God. My goal is to have a manuscript written within the next 5 years. I want to be a speaker. I want to do public speaking. I’m not sure about what yet, but I know I am being called to do this. I have love and hope and grace and strength to share with people. I have a story to tell, and I want to tell it. The more I pray and write and lose weight, the more I am aware that God is calling me to do and be more than I am right now.
Before when I would think about these dreams, I would be terrified and run the other way. I am tired of being terrified. I am tired of running away. I want to experience the full blessings God has for my life. This means I must take more time to be with Him, listen to Him and follow Him. I know for some people my next statements sound silly, but here it goes. I have used eating and my obesitiy as a way to rebel against my Father. I was not giving HIm all of me. I wanted control of something, and this was my control. It’s now in His hands.
How do I know that I have given this all over to Him? For 2 days in a row, I was handing out cupcakes, cookies and popcorn to my students. Not once did I lick my fingers, take a bite, or try a dessert. In the past, I would have devoured 4 or 5 of these tasty treats with my students. In my room I have hard candy to give as treats for my students, and I do not eat them. And guess what, I haven’t craved any of it.
This past week, I have been on the fasting phase of this program. It is a very limited diet meant to speed up my metabolism. My first thought when I saw this was, “I am not going to make it.” But the thought that replaced it was, “I can do this with my eyes on God.” In all of my prayers, I keep hearing very clearly, “Be obedient and you will be blessed.” I am being obedient. This time I know the blessings He has for me are more than I can even imagine. I can feel it deep, deep within my soul. I am no longer afraid of the dreams God has placed in my soul. They are His dreams too. There can be no failure when He is in charge!!
Have you ever served communion? Today I helped serve communion. There is something incredibly powerful in placing communion in someone’s hand and saying, “The Bread of Life given for you.” See, I was raised Catholic, and the only person allowed to serve the bread and wine was the priest. It was the actual embodiment of the body and blood of Christ. I believe to a certain extent this is true. When we accept communion, we accept the fact that Christ endured agonizing pain for us. When we accept Him, we are called to be like Him. Communion is a way to remind ourselves that Christ is forever connected to us. We are taking in His presence in our lives. It is that reminder I cherish.
It is strange for me to give communion. I find myself offering this symbol of Christ to those in our congregation. Some of them are my good friends. It is no longer a friendship when I offer The Bread of Life, but a deeper relationship that connects us. It is a God connection. People who I laugh with about the antics of our children are now serious.
Then there are the elderly people. Who am I to serve these people who have forged a lifetime of faith? I am humbled in their presence. I am even more humbled when I place this life giving symbol into gnarled hands that have experienced a life time of work. As different as we may be, we are more alike in our love for Christ.
I have to hold back my smile and laughter with our children that come to kneel at the railing. They are so serious, and yet moments before they were whispering in the pews about all kinds of kid things. My son and his friend have been in deep conversation throughout worship, yet here at the railing, that has gone. My son simply says, “Hi mom”, gives me a smile and accepts this simple offering.
In the midst of giving communion, are people who I do not always like. In fact they irritate me. We agree to disagree and stay out of each other’s way. And yet, at this railing, there are no disagreements. This is God’s railing and not ours. It is this act of communion, of coming together, that makes us His children.
Each person accepts communion differently. There are those that make no eye contact. Their hands are open to accept the offering and not once do they look up to see who is giving the offering. They are in their own space and time with God. But there are those that make direct eye contact with me as I am saying to them, “This is the Body of Christ given for you.” And I feel something more than just eye contact.
There is a God connection. I am the giver of something greater than I have a right to give. Yet here I am giving this precious gift that God, that Christ, has generously offered. I am humbled. I am truly His servent in this time and place. He has blessed me and given me grace. He is my Lord and Saviour.
Giving communion is a giving, an offering, a connection to God that we need. I am honored to have given this gift today.
I quiet myself and come into the presence of the Lord. I feel His smile reach me. It is so warm and loving. I look into Christ’s face and ask Him, “What do you want me to do?”
Be still my child, my beloved daughter. Be still and bask in my embrace. I know all you are going through. You are my beloved daughter, and you are precious to me. I want you to know I love you no matter what. Whether you listen to me, walk away, deny me. There is nothing you could ever do that would stop me from loving you.
These are the kinds of conversations I have with God. This one is about me, and I am willing to share it. Lately, when I come to Him, I ask Him what He wants me to do. Sometimes the question is different, but this is the one that has been popping up more frequently. And usually I ask Him what He wants me to write. Today has been no different. So someone out there needs to here this message. Take the time to stop and not just come at God with requests, but stop and bask in His presence. Isn’t that what we want with our own children, spouses, partners, loved ones? Don’t we just want them to bask in the love we have for them? That’s what God wants for you today. He is calling you, beloved child.
In the noise, in the middle of the caucophnous words floating from the mixing and mingeling of people are moments, ever so minisucule moment of quiet. It is in those small spaces of time I place myself. And the quiet spaces expands and the noise rolls over me as though there is a focefield that surrounds me. And I find myself in the middle of a dead zone of space, time and quiet.
I wait longer and know You are with me, whispering to me to be still, to let go. If I relax my way into Your presence, You are right there. I can see You, in all Your glory and You smile at me. And it is in this moment I know You will speak to me.
I look at You and I tell You, “You are my God, my Creater, the Lover I have always sought. You complete me and fill the empty spaces of my soul. My search for something more is complete because You are right here, in front of me. And before I can even speak the question I have, You answer me.
Stop watching t.v. and playing card games on your computer – Write. I have words for you to share. Write, or you will find other areas of your life falling apart – because you are avoiding what I want you to do. When you are disobedient in one area of your life, you become disobidient in other areas of your life. Write.
I know this is God. So I write. I turn off the tv, I move away from all of the distracting computer games. I write. And He is right. If I am disobidient to Him in this, I will not be obedient in other areas. I will not be able to partake in the banquet feast He has prepared me.
Faith Journies 