December 5, 2017

Crying.  How did I let this happen?  This was my second week walking ½ an hour on the tread mill and I was huffing and puffing with no incline and a speed of only 3.0.  I was so frustrated and angry.  I used to be able to jog a mile or two or participate in a spinning class and feel good about the workout.  Now I am catching my breath and sweating profusely after only 10 minutes of walking.

I am fighting myself to be healthy.  Why should I worry and work so hard at something I have obviously failed at repeatedly??!!  I’m at a point in my life where I don’t believe I can be healthy.  I don’t believe I will ever be at a healthy weight and physically fit at the same time.  I will always be overweight, but this is becoming an embarrassing overweight.  Going up and down steps I waddle.  I struggle with wiping my butt.  I see the extra chin and my eyes are being swallowed up by the fat on my face.

Why should I fight to change?  It is so hard to hold onto hope when you feel like it’s not going to change.  As a praying woman, you would think God would be part of all of this.  Well He is.  But I’m angry with Him about all of this.  This eating thing is an addiction.  It is far worse than crack cocaine.  There are times when I am eating and I am thinking about eating the next meal.  I think about food when I am not hungry.  In fact, I’m not sure what it’s like to be hungry.  I listen and hear about all of these testimonies of people having their addiction removed from them when they accept Jesus as their savior.  Yet, I can’t get this huge ass monkey off of my back.  What’s the deal God?

Don’t get me wrong, there are incredible things happening in my life.  I now work at Riverside United Methodist Church as the Serve/Outreach Coordinator.  (Absolutely love my job!!)  I am able to spend more time with my teenage son, George.  I am able to be home more often to clean and take care of the house.  My daughter is able to call me to ask to watch Baylee, my granddaughter.  My prayer life and writing life have improved.  I am doing both daily.  But this healthy thing is kicking my ass.  And I am having a hard time changing how my brain thinks about being healthy.  I haven’t lost hope because I did join the Y and I am walking on that tread mill.  But every day is a struggle to make different decisions.  The problem is the wrong decisions put weight on faster than the right decisions take it off.

I can only do one day at a time.  And I have to start believing God is bigger than the addiction.  If you are in this place as well, follow along with me, maybe we can encourage each other.  Also check out https://fatpastor.me.  I’ve read his blogs and listened to his podcasts and find myself filled with a little more hope.

 

November 30, 2017

I’m looking through my other postings and boy am I in sad shape now.  It’s amazing how long term stress can take its toll on your mind, body and spirit.  I am 20 pounds heavier then the picture below and am caring far more fat then my body ever intended on carrying.  My knees hurt when I walk up and down stairs.  I have difficulties putting on my shoes and tying them.  I had lost hope of ever becoming healthy.

That has begun to change.  I am taking one day at a time.  My goal is to do some kind of exercise for 1/2 an hour every day.  I want to be able to ride my bike this spring and summer and be comfortable on it.  By the end of the summer I want to be able to ride 30-40 miles at a time.  Right now I’m not sure if I could make it 5 miles.

Hope.  Right now it’s all I have.

January 11, 2012

Okay, I wanted to post this much earlier, but couldn’t get it in until now.  I love spinning class!!  I mean I really like it.  Claudia is the instructor and she is great!!!  It wasn’t the same routine as Monday.  For those of you who don’t know, spinning is taking a stationary bike and then riding it in different positions; like standing straight up, standing up like your biking up a hill, hind end just off the seat, etc…  There is something about the atmosphere and the riding that gets me to talking to God.  The lighting is low, the music is pumped up.  It’s like your on your own, but your not.  Kind of the way it is in daily living.  You’re on your own, but your not.  God is right there.  There are several points in the work out where I feel very compelled to lift my hands up and out and just thank God for a strong body and mind.  My becoming healthy really is becoming a revolution for me.  Next Monday I go to Fitness Express and start the Healthy Solutions program.  I’ll have a start up picture and I’ll continue to post my progress.  By the way, I have lost another 1 1/2 pounds since this past Friday.  YaHoo!!  I want this weight off!!  But more importantly, I want to keep it off.  I want the healthy life style.  I want to be able to do anything physically I want to do.  I hope you come along for the journey.  I hope eveyone is having a blessed day.  Never forget that God loves you for who you are right where you are.

January 9, 2012

I was at Fitness Express by 4:55 for a spinning class.  I did most of the riding time on my hiney.  That’s okay though.  Claudia is a great instructor and kept repeating listen to your body and do what your body tells you to do.  I did and I feel great, unlike last Monday evening when I could barely get up and walk.  There is a part in the work out where I feel compelled to raise my hands and praise God.  Okay, for those of you who know me, I did not do it out loud.  But I sure did enjoy talking to God and was reminded how strong He has made me and the plans He has for me.  I just need to choose to reach out and go after what He has in store for me.  No fear – Okay – maybe a little.  But I am falling back on His love and grace.  I gotta close out now.  Time to go to work.  Have a blessed morning and remember that God loves you know matter where you are in relationship to Him.

January 8, 2012 It is not easy to be fit and healthy for me.  I don’t like resolutions, but I do like revolutions.  That’s what I am looking for in my life – a revolution.  I need to retrain my brain about my health as I am retraining my body.  To do this, I am now a member of Fitness Express in Moline and will start their Total Solutions program next Monday.  As I sat talking to the young lady taking my information, she asked me what I would think if I could imagine being 80 pounds lighter by the end of September.  My brain is still having a hard time with that idea.  So I am going to break it down in chunks.  My first goal is to get to 198.  That would put my under 200, something I haven’t seen in years.

Okay, here’s something that I found horrifying, and I am sharing it so I won’t forget.  I am sharing it so I won’t go back.  44% of my body weight is fat.  This puts me in the obese catagory.   I can no longer have excuses.  I have to accept that what I am doing to myself is deadly.  I am the one that needs to stop it.  My plan is take one day at a time.  My plan is to pray everyday.  My plan is to post on a daily basis.  Keep coming back.  I hope by next Wednesday I can have a more recent picture of me from Fitness Express.  I hope you will join me on my journey.  What health journey are you going to take?

Febuary 27th

I am down 3.5 pounds this week.  I love this feeling.  I am at a total of 11 pounds since January 15th.  I feel like it is going slow, but it isn’t.  It took me years to put all of this on my body; it’s going to take time to take it off.  I can feel my body changing.  I feel my clothes fitting me loosy-goosy.  In fact, I am hoping to get rid of my entire blue jean collection by the end of this Spring.  And I really want to have to buy new clothes for the Spring and Summer.

I am not going back.  I am enjoying being stronger, healthier, more confident.  I am so glad that I have chosen this journey to take.

March 10, 2012

I am on the cusp.  I am returning to the 100s, soon.  Right now my weight is 200 as of this morning.  I have avoided licking my fingers from frosting left on them while serving my students cupcakes.  I have avoided eating said cupcakes and cookies and popcorn.  Avoided is probably not the best word for what I have been able to do … Chosen is better.  I am making different choices, and it is paying off.  For instance, I went and worked out this morning, took a nap in the midafternoon, and soon I will be on my way to the gym for a second workout.  I am on the cusp of a different way of life.