change

Zombie Dreams

/ jomccoy / Leave a comment

940254

 

Why am I dreaming about zombies and in color?  I am not a fan of horror and that includes brain eating zombies.  Once I woke up I could not shake this strange dream from my mind.

I find myself out walking in a wooded area.  It is a rainy fall day that makes you think winter will be coming soon.  The trees have lost most of their leaves, and the leaves that are left are brown; but there is still green grass on the muddied ground.  It is evident it has rained and will rain again.  It’s hard to tell the time of day because the clouds are thick and grey.  I am following a set of truck tracks.  And I see this person moving towards me.  It’s a zombie.

From somewhere behind me yet in my head I hear,  “You have to kill the zombie”.  I have nothing around me to do this.  No gun, no knife, nothing.  I’m not scared at all.  There’s just this feeling of needing to kill this thing.

And since this is a dream and not done in any real story telling sequence, the zombie is on the ground and I am trying to drive this stick into it’s heart.  As I’m trying to kill this thing, it turns and looks at me and I recognize it.  It’s me, or a part of me. And once I recognize it’s me, the guy who had told me to kill it was now under the zombie.  And of course he has been bitten.  And now I have to kill both.  I just need to jam this stick through the heart of the first zombie.

What the heck does this all mean?  What I know about dream interpretation is that the person having the dream has to be the one to interpret it.  But I also know that sometimes my brain picks up on cues in the world that I didn’t even know it was absorbing.  So I do what I always do when I don’t know something – I google it.

From https://www.dreamscloud.com/en/dream-dictionary/symbol/zombies I find the following list about zombies in your dreams:

“May suggest lacking purpose or a direction in life and having no goals or plans for the future.

May suggest an inability to express yourself.

May suggest feeling unemotional, alone and disconnected from others.

May represent aspects of yourself that you have rejected.

May symbolize running away from something or denying your fears.

May represent feeling dead inside or feeling out of touch with reality.

May represent someone that does not or cannot think on their own and just follows someone’s orders – an automaton.”

From http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/z.htm, I find,

“To see or dream that you are a zombie suggests that you are physically and/or emotionally detached from people and situations that are currently surrounding you. You are feeling out of touch. Alternatively, a zombie means that you are feeling dead inside. You are just going through the motions of daily living.

To dream that you are attacked by zombies indicate that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. You are under tremendous stress in your waking life. Alternatively, the dream represents your fears of being helpless and overpowered.”

When I first read this I was angry.  I am no longer detached or lacking purpose, in fact I find I am moving in the opposite direction.  I am full of hope and grace and purpose.  I am finally beginning to do what I love again.  I look forward to going to work and coming home and interacting with my family.  I’m not angry or frustrated or exhausted.

But then I realized what the dream was telling me.  I was killing that part of me.  That part of me that had been dead inside for so long.  The part of me that was closed off and unwilling to be open and share feelings, even to myself.  I was killing the part of me that would not let me be happy or the part that would not allow me to be sad and cry because I just didn’t have the time or energy.  The zombie was who I was, not who I am.

I had lost hope.  Not completely, but so much hope was gone that I began to believe the lies that I just could not be the healthy, happy person God intended me to be.  In the last year I gained 20 pounds and so much more fat.  See, as an adult I have always been overweight, but I could ride 100 miles on my bike or go out and run 2-3 miles with no problem.  But last year was so stressful, I was surviving, not living.  And somewhere in that year I began to lose hope.  So I ate.  And I drank Pepsi.  And I became heavier and I became so much older. And I did not move my body at all.

Hope has been trying to make its way back into my life.  I am reconnecting to God.  I am writing and praying more regularly.  I am starting to walk again in the early morning.  I am passionately pursuing God’s purpose for my life.  Those negative nasty thoughts about giving up and not trying to be a healthy person are beginning to leave.  I take strength in God’s words, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.  Now all things are of God, who has reconciled Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation” (2 Corinthians 5: 17-18; NKJV).

I am a new person in Jesus Christ.  The zombie part of me, the part that became dead to living is gone.  I am alive in Christ Jesus.  I am aware I have the choice to live for Him.  Before, when I was surviving, all I was able to do was cry out to God to come and take me away or to get me out of this mess.  But that’s not how God works.  I had to trust God and be patient in His timing.  I had to leave behind my teaching profession.  I had to be patient for Him to open doors.  He had to be the one to lead me.  I was so broken, I was willing to follow.

My last year of teaching created an unhealthy body and mind.  My exterior mirrored what happening inside of me.  But I am a new person, a new woman now.  I have hope.  But oooh, how I wish this would mean my body would change into a new body right here and now, but it won’t.  And oooh how I wish there would be no issues with eating.  But this isn’t how God works.  He is not a fairy God mother coming to save me.  What He wants is a relationship with me.  He wants to be reconciled with me.  He wants me.  All of me.  No matter where I am in my life, He is right there.  In the middle of my eating addiction, He is right there.  When I break a promise to myself to not eat any candy, He is right there when I down a whole bag of peanut M&Ms.  (It’s not the small bag either!!)  When I attempt to walk a mile and am struggling, He is right there.  He doesn’t condemn me or shame me or put me down.  What He does is radical.  HE LOVES ME!!  All of me.

And this hope I have, this new woman I am becoming is because of this radical love.  And what’s even more important is that it’s not just for me.  It’s for everyone.  It doesn’t matter what you are doing or not doing.  It doesn’t matter if you go to church or sit at home watching sports tv.  It doesn’t matter if you believe in Christ Jesus or not!!  What does matter:

HE LOVES YOU!!

ALL OF YOU!!

AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO

TO ESCAPE

HIS LOVE!!

Centered

/ jomccoy / 7 Comments

I wait
Centered in the cacophonous rush   
Listening intently
For quiet sounds to emerge
Rising above to ensnare me
Releasing me into multicolored prisms


Joy intertwines itself with life
I swirl in multidimensional shafts of light
Delivering me from the inharmonies of life
Here I want to reside

Worldy stings pull at me
Bringing me back to earth

I am left between the joy of living and the overwhelming tsunamis of life

But I am not alone.

Never have been.

Never will be.

Keep on Truckin’

/ jomccoy / 3 Comments

There he is; the little old man, his reflective vest, and his silver walker.  He’s usually on the sidewalk when I am getting ready to turn to go into my school.  He’s moving at a good clip for someone who is using a walker.  I notice his legs are strong and muscular.  Every morning on my drive to work, I look for this little old man.  When I see him I find myself thinking, “Way to go.  You keep truckin’.”  And inevitably I think, “I want to be him when I am that old.”  I want to be moving at whatever pace my body will allow me to move.

I realize that as I age, my body changes.  I have aches and pains I didn’t have when I was younger.  I find I am tired more often.  I want to be in bed early and up early, and I want my 8 hours of sleep.  I have recently found that when I injure myself, I don’t know how I sustained the injury.  I wake up, and I have pulled a muscle in my arm.  How does this happen?  I want to know what I did in order to feel the pain I feel.  It’s just not right.  It’s not fair.  Why did God make my body this way?  I did not appreciate the strength and health I had when I was younger, and now that I am older, I want that young body back.  I know what I want to do with that young body.

This is the whole thing with life.  You get older … you change.  What you do with the change is up to you.  I have a choice about how I am going to live out the second half of my life.  I can give into the pain, the , the change and bemoan the fact that I am getting older.  Or I can embrace it and use my life experience to become all I am meant to become.  I want to “keep truckin'” like my little old man.  He has inspired me.  I don’t know him.  But he has influenced me to keep moving my body when all I want to do is hit the alarm clock and snooze an hour more.  Because I am sure that when I am his age, I will be thankful that my body is still moving, that my mind is functioning.

What I find even more fascinating is that he is affecting my life and we have never met.  How often do I do that for others?  Am I influencing others I don’t even know?  What is it I am doing right now with my life that leaves a positive impact on other people?  Every day I make contact with people I don’t know.  That’s a hefty thought.  What I do says more about who I am as a person than anything I can say.  I want people to see me as a loving, caring person.  I want people to see me as someone who will stand up and fight for what is right.  I want people to see my actions as a child of God.  Is that what I show?

Often I think I fall far short of those expectations.  I make mistakes.  I stay silent when I should speak about a wrong.  I talk gossip when I should keep my mouth shut.  It’s not that I am all bad, but what I do can impact someone else.  I want to be a positive impact.  I want to create a positive ripple in people’s lives.

I want to be the old man in the bright orange reflector, walking in the early morning with my silver walker.  I want to influence people in ways I don’t even know I am influencing them.  I just want to”‘Keep on Truckin'”

Doing It Again

/ jomccoy / Leave a comment

So I am walking and talking to God this morning, and I realize it has been a long time since I have had a deep meaningful, give and take conversation with Him.  I apologize.  I ask for forgiveness.  He simply asks me, “Are you doing what I have asked you to do?”  There is no condemnation in the question.  There is no expectation that I will feel guilty.  There is no ‘attitude’.  It’s just a question for me to ponder.  But I say to Him, “No.”

It is then I realize that while I have given my last hold out, my health, over to Him, I have slipped.  Food has been and will always be an issue for me.  I see it, I want it, I have to have it … NOW.  It doesn’t matter if I am hungry or not.  And lately, I have fallen into the mind-trap of, “I just rode 22 miles this morning, I can have ______________ to eat.”  (Fill in the blank with any food you love, but shouldn’t have every day.)

Some of my favorite foods.

Because I am not taking time to be with my best friend, God, I am not focusing on what is really important in my life.  I am derailing myself.  So this morning, after my walk, before showering, or getting on the scale or eating breakfast, I am writing.  This is what God is calling me to do with my life.  I am no longer afraid of the ‘what ifs’.  That’s not the problem.  It is balancing being a graduate student,  being a mother, being a wife, a new career move, my health, and my faith.  Notice my faith is last.  That is where I have placed it, and yet it should be the first.  My time spent with God should be at the beginning.  Once I place God where He should be, everything else will fall into place.

I should know this by now.  I’m a mature Christian.  I’ve done this act before.  I am so glad that my Lord knows me and loves me so completely.  I am glad that I can sin, receive true forgiveness.  I am glad that while I don’t always learn from my mistakes, I can continue to move forward in my life, and God will always be there to guide me.

He’s waiting for you too.  Take some time today to listen for His word in your life.

1/2 a Degree Off

/ jomccoy / 1 Comment

          When I went through Army basic training, I had to learn how to read a map and use a compass to navigate my way through the woods.  Needless to say, I was not good at this.  My sense of direction is always backwards.  And while I can read a road map, reading a topographical map is something entirely different.  I quickly learned that if I was even ½0 off, I would be miles from my targeted destination within no time.  I wasn’t a little lost … I was a lot lost. 

If it was just me, that would be fine, but I had a whole squad I was leading.  I led 7 other people off the right path.  A drill sergeant found us on the edge of the woods we were training and asked us if we knew what we were doing.  She asked who was in charge and I reluctantly admitted it had been my turn.  She took the compass and map from me and handed it over to another private.  She looked at the rest of my squad and clearly said, “Never let Blair lead you with the compass again.  If she is put in charge, help her fake it, otherwise you will all get lost again.  Blair, always make sure you are with someone who knows how to read a compass.”  Luckily this was just training, and luckily there were members of our squad who knew what to do to get us back on the right path and lead us to the next destination.  (Later I found out that I was one of the worst privates to try to use a compass.  I understood the concept on paper; I just couldn’t apply it.) 

It’s been a long time since I’ve written.  I’ve fallen off of the path – just a 1/20 and a few months later.  To me it doesn’t seem to be a big deal.  It isn’t like I stopped praying or going to church.  I’m not sinning in such a way that I would be led straight to hell.  No, I just have a bunch of excuses as to why I haven’t written.  I am too busy.  (Well, I am.  I’m a full time mom, work full time, full time wife, taking a grad class, very involved in my church.  You get the picture.)  There are more important things to do right now then write.  The only problem with this scenario is that God is calling me to write.  See, I have felt that maybe I shouldn’t be finishing my graduate class.  I am only three classes away from earning my masters degree in Special Education. 

When God called me to write, I talked to Him about finishing.  I want to finish my degree because this is the second masters I have started, and I want to finish it.  I feel like I need to finish it.  It is a need to complete a task I have started.  So when God called me to write, I spent time in prayer about my master’s degree.  The answer I received was very clear, “You can finish this degree so long as you write.”  I have not been writing faithfully.  And I believe this is why I have felt such angst about finishing my degree or quitting my degree to write.

  Now I am in a pickle.  I haven’t really written.  I mean, I have written in my prayer time.  I have jotted down ideas.  I have ideas percolating in my head, but the true writing that God is calling me to do, I haven’t done.  Why is it that I am so stubborn?  Why don’t I follow what God has called me to do?  I am always so blessed when I do what He wants me to do.  I am like the Israelites who made the golden calf when Moses was on Mount Sinai.  God told Moses in Exodus 33:3, “Go up to a land flowing with milk and honey; for I will not go up in your midst, lest I consume you on the way, for you are a stiff-necked people.”  I am the “stiff-necked” people.  While I do want to be in God’s presence, I don’t always want to do His will.  This makes no sense.  There is nothing He has done to cause me to be anxious or worried.

            Oh, wait a minute.  There is one tiny, little, itty-bitty thing that bothers me when I go to do whatever it is God wants me to do – I don’t know the outcome.  I don’t even get to know the path I am suppose to take.  It’s like those computer games that only allow you to see the room you are in and no more.  I don’t get to see beyond the next footstep.  Yet, God has never, ever taken me down a wrong path.  In fact, when I follow Him, I find myself being who I am really meant to be.  I am doing and being all I am created to do and be. 

            So here I am, back on the right path, for several reasons.  The first is that I really do want to finish my degree.  And God was very clear with me that I need to write while I work on my degree.  When I was considering going after a degree in writing, I found myself scared.  I wasn’t sure if I was good enough to pursue a degree in writing.  If I wasn’t accepted, that would mean I wasn’t worthy.  That is definitely a scary thought.  God was calling me to write, but what if I wasn’t good enough.  So instead of trusting God, I took the easy way out and am pursuing a master’s degree in Special Education.  At some point, I came to terms with the idea I might not be good enough and decided I needed to write.  Even if no one read a word I typed, I needed to write.  It was what God was calling me to do.

 Second, my writing time is very connected to my prayer time.  I have been cheating myself of my time with God.  It is during this time that I speak to Him and He speaks to me.  My relationship is beyond “hello” or a “to do list”  I give for Him to accomplish.  It is my time to be in His presence and listen.  I find when I am quiet and listen, He speaks.  And He speaks very clearly.

Of course, I must give credit to my Christian sisters.  They have held me accountable. They have softly and gently moved me back onto the path of writing.  In fact, it was I who started the whole accountability issue this past week.  My dear friend Mary has been struggling lately and I challenged her to do something about it. In this challenge, I realized that I too, must listen to the call of God.  And I knew it would be about writing.  I told Mary if she did something three times this week I would write in my blog …  as I hesitated about how many times I would write in my blog, I turned to my friend Erin.  I asked her, “How many times do you think I should post to my blog?”

Her answer was the same as the number in my head – 2.  (Golly, God, do You really have to put what I am thinking in someone else’s head?)

So now Mary and I are holding each other accountable, but it doesn’t end there.  Erin needs to let go of her control of the universe.  Sarah needs to get her butt out of bed and spend time with God.  Sarah and Erin need to sign up for the Lay Speaking class.  They also need to get off their butts and start a pre-school.  (By the way Pastor Rob, the two of them should be speaking to you about this within the next week.)

While it might seem harsh to call out my friends, I do so with their permission, but more importantly, there is a basis for accountability in the Bible.  Colossians 3:16-17 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing (bold, italics, underlining added) one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.  And whatever you do in word or deed do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

In my Christian sisters I am held accountable for the call God has on my heart.  And I am expected to hold my sisters to the same standards.  God has placed these women in my life so that I am able to stay on the right path.  They either confirm or turn me back to God for reconfirmation.  They see me in the roles God is placing on my heart.  And I see in them, the call God is placing in their lives.  I do not want to be 1/20 off.  I want to be on the right path because it doesn’t take long, and 2 months have gone by and I haven’t written a word.  If not for them, it would be another 2 months, and another 2 months and before you know it, a year will have gone by.

Remember Proverbs 12:15 “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel.”  So, how about you?  Are you on the right path?  What is God calling you to do?  Who do you turn to for accountability?

On the Cusp

/ jomccoy / Leave a comment

I am on the cusp of a new life.  I can feel it deep within me, bubbling to the surface.  There are dreams/goals that are finding their way up to the front again.  As I am on this journey to lose weight I am finding who I want to be once again.  To lose weight I joined Fitness Express, saved up my money so I could then begin Total Solutions, a weight loss program offered at Fitness Express.  It is not just about losing weight.  It is about changing the thinking in my brain.  Every week I am sent “Life Success” issues to read, listen to and write about my goals.  At the same time, I am doing a study with WOW (a women’s group at my church) called Hearing the Voice of God.  And the two are converging.  “Life Success” is helping me to stop and slow down and reach deep within me to find what I really want to do with my life, while Hearing the Voice of God is refining my ability to listen and hear God’s voice within my life.

So you ask me, “Jozett, what are your goals … your dreams?  What is God calling you to do?”

Write.  Write.  Write.  It is in my writing that I connect with God.  My goal is to have a manuscript written within the next 5 years.  I want to be a speaker.  I want to do public speaking.  I’m not sure about what yet, but I know I am being called to do this.  I have love and hope and grace and strength to share with people.  I have a story to tell, and I want to tell it.  The more I pray and write and lose weight, the more I am aware that God is calling me to do and be more than I am right now.

Before when I would think about these dreams, I would be terrified and run the other way.  I am tired of being terrified.  I am tired of running away.  I want to experience the full blessings God has for my life.  This means I must take more time to be with Him, listen to Him and follow Him.  I know for some people my next statements sound silly, but here it goes.  I have used eating and my obesitiy as a way to rebel against my Father.  I was not giving HIm all of me.  I wanted control of something, and this was my control.  It’s now in His hands.

How do I know that I have given this all over to Him?  For 2 days in a row, I was handing out cupcakes, cookies and popcorn to my students.  Not once did I lick my fingers, take a bite, or try a dessert.  In the past, I would have devoured 4 or 5 of these tasty treats with my students.  In my room I have hard candy to give as treats for my students, and I do not eat them.  And guess what, I haven’t craved any of it.

This past week, I have been on the fasting phase of this program.  It is a very limited diet meant to speed up my metabolism.  My first thought when I saw this was, “I am not going to make it.”  But the thought that replaced it was, “I can do this with my eyes on God.”  In all of my prayers, I keep hearing very clearly, “Be obedient and you will be blessed.”  I am being obedient.  This time I know the blessings He has for me are more than I can even imagine.  I can feel it deep, deep within my soul.  I am no longer afraid of the dreams God has placed in my soul.  They are His dreams too.  There can be no failure when He is in charge!!

 

 

 

God’s Blessings

/ jomccoy / 1 Comment

God is so good.  I went and worked out this morning and came back to weigh in on my scale, and it was down.  It his me like a ton of bricks; I am being faithful to God and He is blessing me.  No, it’s not just about the weight.  Before the new year came, I had time to really talk with God.  He made it clear that changes were going to happen in my life this year.  Change is coming, be faithful.

This does not mean I sit back and do nothing and wait.  No, this means I have to follow God’s plan for me.  Funny thing is, it’s not always my plan.  Here is what I know God wants me to do:  Pray fervently, lose weight – hand over the eating to HIM, write abundantly.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I am a praying girl, but He’s asking me for more of the quiet, meditative prayer rather than the rush requesting prayers.  I exercise, but I have rebelled when it comes to food.  I allowed food to rule over me and I was losing the battle.  And of course I write, but this is writing beyond me.  This is writing to share.

God is good.  He wants to bless us, if we let Him.  I am ready to let Him bless me even more.  How about you?  Will you join me at His banquet table.